small hands

This or That

1. Stay in or go out on New Year's Eve?

Stay in. Oh my goodness, I can’t imagine dealing with crowds and driving and the icky weather. The good thing is that from my house I can see fireworks at Pier One in San Francisco.

2. If you stay home, do you stay up to ring in the new year, or fall asleep earlier?

Since I had babies, I fall asleep because they suck my life force out of me because taking care of them is rather taxing.

3. If you go out, do you prefer to attend a party at someone's home, or go to a bar/nightclub/restaurant?

I went to a restaurant once to celebrate New Years Eve and it was fun, as I recall. So, a restaurant.

4. Make resolutions, or do you not bother?

I don’t bother, although I am thinking of things to improve my and my children’s lives.

Relax more
Embrace that fact that I'm a dorky homebody.

5. Ever been to Times Square (New York City) on New Year's Eve, or just watched the ball drop on TV?

Never been to New York City, dork that I am. This is gonna change in 2003. I don’t watch it on TV anymore, although I never missed it as a kid and young teen.

6. Toast the New Year with champagne or a soft drink?

Champagne if I can get it. Tonight I’ll probably be alone, so it’s better not to drink alone, watching The Sopranos and eating chocolate. There’s plenty of 7-Up and Diet Coke in the house, as well as gallons of cranberry juice.

7. Do you have a special New Year's dinner or not?

I try to eat greens and black eyed peas. Other than that, no.

8. Do you already have your 2003 calendar, or do you wait to buy one until the stores mark them down?

Barnes & Noble has them marked down 50% already, so I bought the Mackintosh calendar you see below.

9. Take down Christmas decorations: before or after New Year's?

After. My sister already has her tree stripped, sitting in the driveway. Ack. I am tempted to take the trees down tomorrow (a big one downstairs in the living room and a table top one upstairs in the tv room). It may have to wait until Saturday.

10. Funny hats and noisemakers, or a quieter celebration?

Quiet. But you knew that.

Today is my mother’s birthday. She is 57. I got her a DVD player, to put in her bedroom, and I have to go at lunch to get her The Sopranos Third Season on DVD. She loves The Sopranos and laments that she missed the episode this season where Ralphie got whacked. She even made baked ziti for Kwanzaa, because of The Sopranos. It was excellent and my son ate a ton of it. She has been very sweet to me lately (most likely some kind of new years’ resolution, or retirement resolution, or reward for my being nice to my ex). I love and admire her very much, even though our relationship is complex.

I am going shopping with my friend D., my colleague from work, who completely rules and is such excellent company in the trenches, fighting the common enemy (my boss). She has just planned a trip to Green Bay to see Saturday’s Packer game. She is spontaneous like that, and lives life to the fullest, always. I am trying to follow her example.

My 5 year old niece spent the night. What’s great about her and my two kids is how well they entertain each other. What is not so nice is all the screaming and bickering that intermittently erupts in the midst of their play.

Last night my girl and my niece would not go to sleep. They were up at 10PM saying they were hungry--peanut butter and jelly sandwich, no beverage--and up 11PM asking me when I was coming to bed. I had to threaten them to get them back to bed. Why was I up? Oh, well I had company. And I was terrified my girl would spy him sitting on the couch talking to me and be traumatized, or my niece would and tell everyone in the family my business. They didn’t see him, thank goodness.

This morning I got up and made buttermilk waffles (from the Fannie Farmer Cookbook--1 egg, not three, 3/4 sticks of butter, not 1-1/2) for breakfast. Now they’re playing and asking if we’re going anywhere today. We’re not. The New York Times lady just dropped off my replacement copy of the Sunday paper and while the sun is shining, it’s very wet outside and I need to chill before jumping back into work tomorrow.

I took my girl to her grief counseling appointment. In order to distract my son, who wanted to go in and disrupt be his two year old self, we took a walk down Solano Avenue. We stopped off at the gas station because he wanted some juice. Then we walked three more blocks, looking in shops and admiring dogs, until we got to New Pieces, a fabric store. There I bought more fabric (always more) and signed up for a machine quilting class on January 30. I will have to take a day off of work, since it's a Thursday, but no worries. It's my new approach to work anyway. Take time off.

My son was so good. He loved the fabric, especially the ones with animal prints. He didn't insist that I hold him. He kept suggesting different ones. He even started speaking softy, as though we were in a library. We left the store and walked back, which was uphill. I gave him a piggy back ride and read him the signs for the different stores. We collected my daughter and went to the car.

Then it started to rain. A lot. There's a storm from Alaska coming in. So, we're in the house, there's a chicken boiling in onions, celery and red bell pepper for an enchilada casserole (smells great--very cozy), and the children are playing with their board games (not quietly). We're just going to relax, not go anywhere. I'm going to fold some laundry.

Friday Five

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

I can honestly say that in many ways it’s been a difficult year. But to describe 365 days with one adjective is too gross a generalization.

My biggest accomplishment was to navigate my children and myself through the year in one piece. I have not always succeeded, and when my children whine or complain or eat junk, I feel like I’m failing as a mother.

But I got up on the roof. And I got the stairs fixed. And I stood by my ex through his mother’s death. And I got my daughter into counseling to deal with her grief. And I met someone and opened my mind to a wider world of possibilities. And I didn’t get fired.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

My relationship with my boss; he used to be my friend. The silver lining is that I look at work much more dispassionately. I think it’s a healthy change. The other silver lining is my new female colleague, who commiserates with me about the very difficult circumstances of work and is my partner in the search for the best taco truck.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions?

I tend not to make them in the formal sense. I take the new year as an opportunity to look at my life and try to make changes that make my life more meaningful, my time on earth more satisfying and happy, and my children’s lives better.

4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?

I am usually asleep at midnight. This year, I will not be with my children, so...I could be alone or have a single companion. I am okay either way.

5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?

We (my siblings and I) used to drink Shirley Temples (grenadine and 7-Up) when we were kids. Then we moved onto sparkling cider. I try to eat greens and black-eyed peas, for money and luck, respectively. My mother made lucky Japanese food last year--I’ll try to eat some this year too, if she makes it.

I was feeling too stressed out and insane to blog earlier. My son is being a nightmare today--spitting on the floor, whining, clinging, clinging, clinging, hitting his sister, crying at the drop of a hat. Finally he settled down to watch a movie and I could take a breather, sit in the living room and read some poetry and gather my wits.

Christmas was very nice. I made it through Christmas eve without my children with the help of The Sopranos Third Season and chocolate. Christmas day, my children came home at noon, opened their presents and then we went to my mother's house for the rest of the day.

This or That Tuesday Thursday

1. Opening presents...rip 'em open with all abandon, or carefully open, preserving the pretty paper for recycling?

Rip ‘em open.

2. Do you and yours take turns, opening one gift at a time, or does everyone just rip into everything at the same time?

My children tend to help each other open their presents, and then move on to the next one. So it’s more one at a time.

3. If you get something you don't like...do you try to return it, or keep it so as not to hurt the giver's feelings?

I’ve only ever returned one thing. I keep it, even if I don’t like it, and eventually it’s put to some use.

4. Do you spend the holiday at home (yours or someone else's), or do you go out and eat, see the newest movie, whatever?

At home. Always, always at home.

5. What do you do with Christmas cards after the holiday is over? Save them, or toss them?

I used to save them. Now I recycle them, except for the ones with photos.

6. Cook Christmas dinner, or does someone else do that?

My mother cooks it. I have cooked it. I help my mother a lot with the cooking. This year she did everything and it was divine.

7. It's Christmas Eve, and you have run out of wrapping paper. Do you go out and buy more, or wrap the rest of the gifts in the Sunday comics?

My daughter has so many art supplies, I can make wrapping paper. But I have never run out.

8. On Christmas morning...up at the crack of dawn, eagerly anticipating the loot...or would you rather sleep in?

I would rather sleep in, but with small children, it’s impossible.

9. Do you want a white or a green Christmas?

Green please. Snow in the Bay Area would cause a regional nervous breakdown.

10. Going to church on Christmas...yes or no?

No. I don’t fake the funk anymore. I am not in the mood and the logistics are impossible--two small children, midnight mass.


A LITTLE MORE TRAVELING MUSIC by Al Young

A country kid in Mississippi I drew water
from the well
& watched our sun set itself down behind
the thickets,
hurried from galvanized baths to hear music
on the radio--Colored music, rhythmic & electrifying,
more Black than politics and flit guns.

Mama had a knack for snapping juicy fruit gum
& for keeping track of the generations of chilrens
she had raised, reared & no doubt forwarded,
rising thankfully everyhalf past daybreak
to administer duties the poor must look after if they're to see their way another day, to eat, to live.

I lived & upnorth in cities sweltered & froze,
got jammed up & trafficked
in everybody's sun going down but took up with the
moon
as I lit about getting it all down up there
where couldn't nobody knock it out.

Picking up slowly on the gist of melodies, most noises
softened.
I went to school & college too, woke up cold
& went my way finally, classless, reading all poems,
some books & listening to heartbeats.

Well on my way to committing to memory the ABC
reality,
I still couldnt forget all that motherly music,
those unwanted songs of my babe-in-the-wood days
until, committed to the power of the human voice,
I turned to poetry & to singing by choice,
reading everyone always & listening, listening for a
silence deep enough
to make the sound of my own background music.

WISHING YOU PEACE AND HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT THIS HOLIDAY SEASON





Click on card.

I took the kids to see Snoopy on Ice at the Charles Schultz Ice Arena in Santa Rosa yesterday. While I have always harbored the secret ambition, since I became a mother, to avoid Disneyland, ice skating shows and the circus, all that remains at this point is the circus. I only went to Snoopy on Ice because my colleague at work gave me three tickets. So we drove up to Santa Rosa (60 miles northwest of Oakland--four lane highway, cows).

It was so different that I expected. Three--count them ladies and gentlemen--African American ice skaters. And one of them--a male (soloist if we're using corp de ballet terms--not a principal dancer, not a corp de ballet member, in between = soloist) with either dreadlocks or Shirley Temple curls (I need to get a stronger prescription for my glasses). He was very good.

The show was a mixture of Rockettes Christmas show, Snoopy with ice skates and Charlie Brown Christmas, and, I swear to God, Cirque de Soliel, complete with acrobats, a gymnast/aerialist, amazing black and white and red and black costumes with black light, and techno/house music. If I'm lying I'm flying.

It was fun. I didn't appreciate the athleticism involved in ice skating until I saw the effort on the face of one of the older male skaters lifting the female skater. Or the incredible flexibility and strength the skaters need.

My girl was tired from a sleepover without the sleep, but both kids really enjoyed it. My son said that he liked the "pretty lady" of which there were several.

After the show, in the wooded parking lot, my boy announced he had to pee. So I helped him pee outside, in a field against a tree. He really liked that. Penises are very convenient.

This morning, at 10AM, I went to the Grand Lake Theater to see the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. It was three hours long. I enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed the metaphor within a metaphor: when Gandalf is pulled down into the deep by the fire demon and he fights and fights and never gives up. I think it's an excellent response to despair, which was the larger message of the movie. Three hours. Now, the sun is shining and I'm going to plant herbs.

LATER:

The lovely herbs are in the ground. The soil was like buttah after so many days of rain.

So I've been feeling a teensy bit down, mostly when my kids are not with me. So I've devised some holiday coping strategies:

1. Drink water (although when you're sitting through a 3 hour movie, it makes it difficult to concentrate during the last 45 minutes)

2. Don't talk yourself into things--like throwing a holiday get together--when you have neither the time nor the energy.

3. Wear earrings.

4. Stay warm.

5. Read

6. Limit exposure to television, television commercials, NFL commentary (especially from Deion Sanders), traffic, malls, and grocery stores.

7. When you miss your kids, be nice to yourself.

8. Give yourself a facial with all the products in the medicine cabinet that are getting close to their expiration date.

Happy.

1. Rebekka sent me a beautiful box of herbs. I mean beautiful. Like, we’re getting married. And Lily put in some treasures for my little ones which are going to send my daughter into paroxysms of happiness. A box full of love.

2. I watched the Ballad of Little Joe on television last night. I have loved this movie for years. Please get a copy and watch it. It’s so amazingly good and touching and intelligent.

3. This morning I got to court on time.

4. The judge ruled in my favor and smote the screaming plaintiff’s attorney. Judge H. is SO my boyfriend right now.

5. I had a peaches and cream scone for breakfast.

6. Rebekka rules. I love Rebekka.

7. Oh yeah, and whatshisname has been taken down a peg. Let the healing begin. [Insert 20,000 word rant about unfinished business of dealing with racism in America, here.]


Friday Five is back:

1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?

Christmas and Kwanzaa.

Kwanzaa always teeters on the cheesy side and sometimes it can be extremely emotional as we reflect on the past year and those who are no longer with us. But my mother’s very close friend loves to merge the families and celebrate it. And she’s got metastatic breast cancer, so this year...it’s hard. This year we’ll do it, but we don’t expect her to be there next year.

2. What was the best gift you have ever received?

This is cliche, I KNOW, but my children are absolutely the best gift. My son was driving me CRAZY yesterday, wanting to be carried everywhere (he’s gonna be 3 in February), but I had him on my hip in the kitchen and I said “I love you so much.” And he said “I love you too mama.”

3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?

A blue dress that made me look terrible. It’s the only gift I’ve ever returned. I got a coat in exchange.

4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?

My mother’s house, which is about 2 miles from mine. My children will not be with me Christmas morning, but they should be home at or before noon for some present opening, then on to my mother’s house. In a way it’s unbearable that they won’t be with me; in a way, it’s manageable.

5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?

I am very, very lucky that my family members (my siblings and my parents) are alive and living so close to me. I love spending time with them on Christmas.

Red sky in morning, sailors take warning
Red sky a night, sailors delight

My mother told me that rhyme when I was very young and I've always believed it about the weather.

This morning we woke up to a brilliant red sky. The children and I are doing better (thank you all for your good health vibes), but I figured we should spend the day at home resting and recuperating completely. Subconsciously, I had the idea that it is a 24 hour bug, but that phrase is extremely arbitrary. I am nervous about staying home from work, about my daughter missing school, but that's junk in my trunk and not based on reality, and I need to work on it.

So we had a red sky, no rain, but strong winds. And the winds whipped up the roofing material that needs to be replaced outside of my bedroom window. My roof needs repair, as I've mentioned before, but it is going to cost me $17,000 to do it, so I haven't done it yet.

I got a letter from my lawyer yesterday saying that my ex wants $100,000 to buy him out for his share of the house. This pissed me off and made my mind race incessantly through calculations of what my increased mortgage would be, could I afford it and my daughter's school, etc. I will probably have to pay him that much.

So I looked out and saw the roofing material was coming up, and this means the kitchen will spring leaks with the heavy rain. So I got the children up and we went to Home Depot. We needed to hurry* because rainclouds were gathering and another storm is on the way.

Now, when it comes to getting on the roof I am a BIG CHICKEN. And I had a moment when I thought I should call my mom to come and provide some moral support--because she's a real do-it-yourselfer. And I also had a moment where I felt pathetic that I didn't have a mate to take care of this stuff, or at least to watch the kids while I went out. Then I got over it. And I wanted to model strength and competency to my children.

I bought some tarps and some bricks to hold them down. I brought them home and got out there and unrolled the tarps. I told my daughter to call 911 if I fell off the roof, but it was not necessary. The tarps are up, held down by bricks, and the rain has started.

As a by-product of my quest for the perfect biscuit recipe, my daughter now wants biscuits for breakfast all the time. So after I finished with the tarps, I made buttermilk biscuits. Our stomachs are still touchy, so no dairy products, but I think we're on the mend.


*Because we had to hurry, I didn't take a shower before we left. So I took a bubble bath this afternoon, after cleaning the kitchen and the bedroom and doing two loads of laundry. As I soaked, my son played in the bubbles with his plastic dolphin and I read The Selected Poems of Nikki Giovanni.

I Want To Sing

I want to sing
a piercing note
lazily throwing my legs
across the moon
my voice carrying all the way
over to your pillow
i want you

I need i swear to loll
about the sun
and have it smelt me
the ionosphere carrying
my ashes all
the way over
to your pillow
i want you

A Certain Peace

it was very pleasant
not have you around
this afternoon

not that i don't love you
and want you and need you
and love loving and wanting and needing you

but there was a certain peace
when you walked out the door
and i knew you would do something
you wanted to do
and i could run
a tub full of water
and not worry about answering the phone
for your call
and soak in bubbles
and not worry whether you would want something
special for dinner
and rub lotion all over me
for as long as i wanted
and not worry if you had a good idea
or wanted to use the bathroom

and there was a certain excitement
when after midnight you came home
and we had coffee
and i had a day of mine
that made me as happy
as yours did you

My girl is sick.

My boy was sick is sick again.

I am sick.

My girl and I were up all night. Then I had to go to court and get into a screaming match with a plaintiff's lawyer.

I am at work now. I have to get some documents completed, then I am going to get my kids and go home. My girl is at her father's house today.

Guess who?

Early 1960s: Fought to keep his Sigma Nu fraternity all white not only at the University of Mississippi but across the nation.

1975: Voted against extension of the Voting Rights Act.

1976: Voted to ban judges from awarding money to cover the costs of attorneys to victorious plaintiffs in civil rights suits.

1979: Voted for a constitutional amendment to ban school busing.

1980: Praised Thurmond at a rally for presidential candidate Ronald Reagan, saying that if Thurmond had been elected in 1948, ''we wouldn't be in the mess we are in today.''

1980: Voted against federal administrative penalties for people or firms that are guilty of discriminatory housing practices.

1981: Instrumental in President Reagan's attempt to give Bob Jones University, which then banned interracial dating, tax exemptions.

1982: Voted again against extending the Voting Rights Act.

1983: Opposed Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, citing its cost and ''the fact that we have not done it for a lot of other people that were more deserving.'' In 1998, said, ''Sometimes, I feel closer to Jefferson Davis than any other man in America.''

1983: Supported an amendment proposed by Senator Jesse Helms to preserve tax-exempt status for Bob Jones University, which then banned interracial dating.

1984: Said ''The spirit of Jefferson Davis lives in the 1984 Republican platform.''

1988: Voted again against administrative penalties in housing discrimination.

1989: Voted against $300,000 for the King federal holiday commission to promote racial harmony.

1990: One of only four senators to vote against requiring the Justice Department to categorize hate crimes by race.

1990: Voted against the restoration of affirmative action programs struck down by the Supreme Court.

1992: Told the Council of Conservative Citizens, which has ties back to the white citizens councils of segregation (known by African-Americans as the ''downtown Klan''): ''The people in this room stand for the right principles and the right philosophy. Let's take it in the right direction and our children will be the beneficiaries.''

1993: Voted to extend to the Daughters of the Confederacy the design patent for the Confederate flag.

1994: Voted to support an amendment by Helms to strip federal funding from the King holiday.

1994: Voted against the use of racial statistics in death penalty appeals.

1995: Voted to end affirmative action in federal contracting.

1997: Voted against affirmative action in funding businesses for people of color and women.

1998: Voted again to end affirmative action in federal contracting.

2000: Voted against expansion of hate crimes laws to include gay and lesbian people.

2001: Was the only senator in a 93-1 vote to oppose the appointment of Roger Gregory, a black judge, to the US Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit in Richmond, Va.

My meeting with my boss went fine. Thanks for the good vibes. My girl is throwing up, so I gotta go get her.

Tuesday This or That

1. Christmas dinner: turkey or ham (or something else)?

Prime rib.

2. Candy canes or chocolate?

Chocolate, babe.

3. Fruit basket or fruitcake?

Fruit basket. Fruitcake, who eats that?

4. Mulled cider or mulled wine?

Neither. Mull somewhere else.

5. Eggnog or hot chocolate?

I haven’t had eggnog in years, but I was toying with the idea of having some this holiday season. Hot chocolate I don't usually bother with, since coffee rules.

6. Holiday cookies: homemade or store-bought?

Both. I’m easy.

7. Roasting chestnuts or popping corn?

I’ve never had a roasted chestnut. I’ve eaten tons (literally) of popcorn, though.

8. On the buffet table: veggie platter or cheese tray?

Veggie platter.

9. Apple or pumpkin pie?

Apple. Just say NO to pumpkin pie. My only secret recipe is for my killer sweet potato pie.

10. Christmas Day breakfast: before or after gift-opening?

After. Otherwise it’s torture.

I've got to blog through a long ass return-to-work-Monday from hell. The wages of sin (visiting Sin City) is a memo from my boss informing me of a meeting, the first three words of which are "I am disappointed..."

This morning my little dude was not vomiting, but he started on a unreasonable crying jag three minutes from the babysitter's house, probably because he is not feeling 100%.

I got my daughter to school on time and warmly dressed (happy dance).

I have a late meeting tonight--please be over by 9:00PM--and my mother is picking my kids up and actually helping me. Pa-raise jeebus.

My co-workers joked with me that I obviously did not win the big jackpot, since I reporting to work today. Hah. The closest thing I got to a jackpot was finding $7 in my raincoat pocket. Don't you love to find money in your pocket?

It's been raining here a lot. I don't want to make a big deal about it, because the weather in the Bay Area is not extreme, but it is wet as hell. I wanted to take my kids to the library yesterday, but my boy was under the weather (vomited candy cane juice on the carpet = BIG RED STAIN) and it was easier to just not get everyone bundled up to get a new crop of picture books. Another reason not to complain is because I had a wonderful coping tool--a big pan of baked ziti. The girl and I ate pasta with melted mozarella cheese for lunch and dinner.

The thing about traveling and shopping during the Christmas season is you get exposed to all of the recordings of butchered Christmas carols. They're so terrible--today it was Gloria Estefan and a children's choir singing something...I can't remember what...but it was horrible. There have been so many times when the terrible music played by the store has killed my desire to buy anything.

Monday Mission

1. So, what do you want for Christmas this year that you probably won't get?

Who? Me? Sheee-it. If I want it, I get it BECAUSE I’m a cheap date, babe. I buy for myself and I ain’t trying to break the bank. I mean, I would like to lick melted chocolate off of Benjamin Bratt’s perfect abs, but he’s busy–new wife, new baby, etc.

2. What do you know you will be receiving for Christmas this year?

I don’t wanna tell ‘cause it will ruin the surprise. It’s good stuff from amazon.com.

3. If you had the means to do so, what presents would you get some of your fellow bloggers? Be specific, it's more fun that way!

It would be presumptuous of me to specify what gifts I think they should have. World peace benefits everyone, no? Something tasteful from Prada for everyone!!!

4. Do you support any organizations that provide for the less fortunate during the holidays? Or do any volunteer work?

I give money to the Solano Food Bank. And the Oakland Public Library.

5. Each year about this time, I notice Church attendance seems to spike, then drops off sharply after Christmas. It tickles me that these folks think they are pulling a fast one on the Big Guy. What is the most recent thing guilt has motivated you to do?

Guilt? Guilt....hmmm. Stop blogging and write a brief, I suppose.

6. According to the commercials, the only way to truly tell someone you love them on Christmas day is to let them "Unwrap a Jaguar" automobile. Are there any examples of excessive commercialism and/or blatant disregard for the "Christmas Spirit" that really get under your skin?

Yes, the ads that insist that my woman wants a diamond tennis bracelet.

7. I remember a song where the singers wished they could teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. What would you like to teach the world?

That war is not the answer. And how to fucking drive.

BONUS: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Yes, I think THEY do. Otherwise THEY wouldn’t be in my way at Target.

Today's comment question: What is your favorite holiday beverage?

Champagne.

LATER:

This page is wonderful. I am inspired. Check out the Black Leather cake.

This is a not very good photo of the ceiling of flowers at the Bellagio.

One inevitably wonders what it is like to go to Vegas as a high roller. There are separate, walled off areas for VIP check-in and VIP gambling. And while celebrities are probably comped everything, the people who wanna be high rollers are the ones who mortgage the house and cash out the IRA so that they can be impressive, and then are sent home without a cent.

The next day we got up and went in search of coffee. The $2.99 breakfast deals are a mirage--they're only served from midnight to 7 AM. The best coffee to be found was Starbucks. Yuck. But in a pinch, it will do. We went through the Mandalay Bay--beautiful and it smells good. I didn't get my spa treatment--next time. Then we went to the outlet malls.

When we got back from shopping we put our bags down and went back to The Strip. And walked and walked and walked. And then we got the bright idea to walk to the Rio Hotel. It's on the other side of the freeway. A word of advice: take a cab.

After we ate at the buffet (legendary but just average), and skipped the show with Rip Taylor (have mercy) we took a cab to the old part of Las Vegas. For some reason, this part made the trip for me. It was the old school, Sammy Davis, Jr. version of Las Vegas, with the nickel slots and the seniors on the $39 bus trip. It's very low key, but it was the Vegas I had always heard about. We saw a Christmas light show, my mother convinced me to gamble $5 of her money on the nickel slots--which took forever and hung around for a while.

Here's the thing about me and gambling--I work too hard for my money to hand it to a bunch of gangsters. It's legalized theft (to me) and I can never turn off the conversion table in my head which translates how much the money spent in the casinos is worth in the real world. Or how long I have to work under the thumb of a gold plated asshole to get it. So I don't gamble. At all.

The walk to the Rio had done it for us, so we took another cab back to the hotel and called it a night. My mom listened to a book on tape, my sister fell asleep, and I watched ER.

The next morning we got up at 6AM because we had a 9AM flight. The airport is right next to all of the casinos, so this early rising was not necessary. We got to the airport and checked in with 90 minutes to spare. I noticed that I was apprehensive about going home and I tried to get to the root of it. I think it was about work and about returning to the considerable demands of mothering.

Then the plane was delayed for an hour by fog in Long Beach. So we missed our connecting flight and had to wait three hours in Long Beach. Instead of getting back to Oakland at 12:10PM, I got there at 5:10PM. So I was pissed at jetblue, even though I got to watch Ina Garten on FoodTV. She's got game--prettier house than Martha Stewart, warmer on camera, not hypocritical about liking food.

Pouring rain, fucked-up-Friday-evening-traffic from hell and me due to pick up my children. I walked from the terminal without an umbrella to my car, wearing a suede coat (natch), drove like a Los Angeles driver, and picked up my daughter 30 minutes late, my son one hour late. We didn't get home until 8PM and I was tired.

Today:

Haircut for son
Clean the house
Buy candy canes for tree per daughter's request

WOW.

The trip was two tons of fun. I gotta blog all through what is going to be a terribly busy day, but first I must order some groceries.

LATER

Okay, I've ordered groceries, done two loads of wash, bathed my children, finished decorating the tree and had a real cup of coffee. This day is going to be running flat out, which is not what one should do the first day back from a quicky vacation.

Today:

Get children rainboots
Counseling appointment for daughter
Daughter: birthday party, cookie decorating party, sleepover
Go over to Dad's house to see aunt visiting from Louisiana
Haircut for son
Clean the house
Buy candy canes for tree per daughter's request

Anyway, Vegas was fun. I expected to be completely cheesed out, after a lifetime of watching Vegas on television, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., Don Rickles, etc. But it's changed (as you all know, but I don't get out much). I flew in after an all day mediation on Wednesday (the mediator was superb: a retired judge, read all the briefs and exhibits, knew all the facts, brilliant mind). I flew jetblue. It's one hell of an airline. Clean, new planes, DirectTV on personal screens for every passenger, free.

I would be suspicious of their motives--passenger control and sedation--as the television is very hypnotic, but honey, as we were landing in Las Vegas, I was writing in my journal and watching Law and Order, so I was happy, happy, happy.

I landed in the Vegas airport and took a taxi to the hotel/casino, the Excalibur. Okay, it's very cheesy, but it was still manageable. The rodeo was/is in town, so there were cowboys everywhere. My mom and sister were in the room waiting for me. My mom had had a glass of wine with dinner and a free cognac at one of the slots, so she was done for the night. I put my stuff down and changed my clothes and my sister and I headed to The Strip.

There was one difficulty--I was starving, while they had visited the buffet at Bally's and eaten enough shellfish to feed a small village. So, while the average tourist to Las Vegas walks 12 miles a day, I got steadily less willing to put in the 12 miles as I got hungrier. We stopped off at the Flamingo for something to eat (Mase video, anyone?), lured in by a Ben and Jerry's sign, which meant nothing more than they sold Ben and Jerry's ice cream bars. Like they do at the gas station. No worries.

The folks working at the casinos have very nice manners.

The cigarette smoke and the slot machines--I could do without them. After getting a bite, we headed for the Bellagio. Now, anyone her right mind who visits Vegas wants to stay at the Bellagio. It's gorgeous. They have a light/water show in the front.

If Vegas was Sinatra's town in the past, it's Celine Dion's town now. Absolutely.

Anyway, I ate, we walked a ton, then tried to make it to a show, but it was miles away, at the Luxor, and by the time we got there, the show had started and they don't seat anyone at that point. So we didn't get to see what turned out to be a topless show. Oh well.

One other sucky thing about Vegas is the folks standing on the corner, every corner, handing out flyers for prostitutes.

Last night we got the tree. After work we went to our regular tree lot on Broadway, run by Delancey Street, a drug rehabilitation non-profit organization. It start to rain again as we began searching for the tree, so I got the kids back into their raincoats and retrieved my umbrella. We found the tree, a 9 foot Noble Fir, paid for it and waited for two men to lift and tie it onto the car. Then we went home and I changed out of my work clothes, while my daughter retrieved boxes of ornaments from the attic. I went back out of the house and took the tree down from the car. Then I brought it up the stairs and into the house. I wanted to show my strength and competency to my son. In the living room I screwed the stand onto the tree and propped it up. It was a little crooked, so I adjusted the stand and put the tree up again. This time it stood straight. That was a big relief.

I fed the children while I untangled strands of lights. My son wanted to whine, but I tried to keep the vibe very low key, so he didn't bother. We put up most of the ornaments and I had three very emotional moments.

The first was when I was putting on bubble lights and my daughter asked me if I liked her helping me. I said yes, very much. She asked if I liked having two kids and being alone (not married) and I said yes, I liked it very much; it was much better than before. Then I asked her if she liked it too, and she said yes.

The second was when we were putting the ornaments on the tree and I placed some of my Madonna and Child themed ornaments up. I remembered assembling them last year and them being symbolic of me and my children as a unit. They also reflect the aspect of my Catholicism that I have not abandoned--the imagery and mother-worship. This year is so much better than last Christmas, when my ex was just moving out, with glacial slowness. I also put up my little black girl ornament on a special spot on the tree. I bought it the Christmas I was expecting my daughter, and it symbolizes how much of a wish fulfilled my baby girl is.

The third moment occurred when we finished decorating the tree and turned off the living room lights. The tree glowed with its lights and my son got a very tender look on his face and said Happy Christmas, Mama. I wanted to smother him with kisses, but I just kissed him twice and said Happy Christmas to him.

I like Christmas trees and Christmas ornaments. However, I sometimes find the Christmas imagery to be oppressively Eurocentric. Growing up black and poor and having some Christmases with no presents, somewhere in my subconscious formed the idea that a white Santa delivered presents (and lots of them) only to white kids. So I don't buy Christmas cards or ornaments with a white Santa on them. Holiday scenes and snowmen seem race-neutral. A lot of the ornaments aimed at African Americans don't fit my aesthetic (read: they're cheesy), but when they do, I get them.

***

My girl informed me that she's never had ribs before. That surprised me and as soon as I get back from Vegas, I'm taking my kids to get ribs.

My children came home last night completely geeked that they had gone on a boat fishing with their dad and caught a fish. They apparently caught several, but could only keep one. The first words out of my son’s mouth this morning were about the fish, which he calls a she. I don’t know if the fish’s gender was discernable, but my son thinks so.

Sunday afternoon and evening, I spent several hours on a ladder nailing up Christmas lights on the house. I am almost finished. It looks very festive. Whenever I got tired, or hammered my thumb, I would keep going with the thought of how pretty the house would look when my children returned.

Predictably, my little woman wailed and wailed that I had done it without her and extorted a promise from me that we would get the tree tonight. It’s raining. I don’t really mind. I’m in the mood to decorate the tree after seeing this gorgeous site.

Two days in the office this week, babe. Then I’m off to V-E-G-A-S.

I noticed that during the holiday season, all of the advertisements for shiny electronic gadgets made me (very briefly) entertain a fantasy about having a big old giant, flat computer monitor at home. Silver. Pretty. But the price--aaaackkk!!! No way. I could take my kids on vacation for that kind of moolah. Or get a pedestal sink and some new linoleum for the upstairs bathroom.

I have a friend who got a call from a friend who told her that an online ticket agency had a glitch in its system and she could order tickets to anywhere in Europe for $20. Twenty. So she got online immediately and now she and her partner and their two kids are going to Barcelona for $80, roundtrip. I kid you not. I saw the invoice and she got the tickets in the mail. The internet is a beautiful thing. Next time it happens (if ever) I’m taking my children to Rome.

I’ve been fantasizing about taking my daughter on a trip to China. I know she would adore it. But, I couldn’t leave my little dude.

This site...I think blog is too unglamorous a word to describe it, don‘t you? Check it out. It reminds me of...I don’t know Dolce & Gabana, or a Giorgio Armani fragrance or something.

I've canceled the ebay auction and I guess I'll keep him. He was as good as gold last night, eating well, taking his bath enthusiastically, and not whining.

Since the Friday Five is broken, I am resorting to the Michelle Eleven.

1. Would you marry for money?

No. I distrust the institution. Would I co-habitate for money? Nope. For hot monkey sex? Yeah.

2. Have you had braces?

Yep. For a long ass time.

3. Do you pluck your eyebrows?

Nope. I have them shaped with a razor blade at Showcase Wigs on 17th Street in Oakland.

4. Do you ever cut or hurt yourself?

On purpose? Nope. When my first big relationship ended, I got a third hole pierced in my left ear.

5. When was the last time you had a hickey?

My skin is pretty dark. It would take a lot of sucking to give me a hickey and I’d rather one’s sexual energy be spent in other pursuits.

6. Could you live without a computer?

Live? Yes. Work? No.

7. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?

Oh yuck, none without flush toilets, Civil rights and women’s rights.

8. Do you drink enough water?

Nope. I’m going to get a glass of water now.

9. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?

Off. My children take their shoes off in the entry hall (and generally leave them there).

10. What is your favorite fruit?

I don’t have one favorite, but strawberries and pineapple are way up there.

11. Do you eat wheat bread or white?

Wheat. Oroweat Oatnut. I only get white bread when I go to a barbecue joint, and then I don’t eat it.

Oh baby.

Last night the plan was to decorate the house with Christmas lights, ably assisted by my sweet children, and take a Christmas card photo. Not so.

My son came home whining and carrying on, big time. He cried and whined in a way he honestly never does, and he wouldn’t pose for pictures or stop crying and arguing. He was obviously experiencing sleep deprivation and maybe feeling run down by the cough he has.

We brought the Christmas lights down from the attic, where my son also found a stuffed reindeer which, when you press its abdomen, says Merry Christmas and then plays an annoying kids chorus singing “Santa Claus is coming to town.” There’s a reason it was in the attic. We plugged each strand in to see if it was working and then got to work putting them in the window. My daughter expected me to put them up on the outside of the house, even after I explained to her that I needed to do it during the day, with the help of my sister. Then my son wanted to stand on the chair with me and then head butt me off the chair, crying and whining the whole time.

My brother came over to take pictures. We sat on the couch trying to get one good picture. No dice. My son would not stop crying and hiding his face and put his hand in front of pictures of his sister. Finally, I said it wasn’t going to work and my brother went home. Then I scrapped the plan to put up lights and we went upstairs. He grouched and whined more, refused to eat very much and wailed every time I left his sight.

I was deeply embarrassed that he behaved so badly in front of my brother, who made a comment about the possibility that my son has ADHD. No, I don’t think so. He’s tired because his trifling father didn’t make him dinner until 9PM the night before. God knows when he went to bed. I questioned my daughter about whether they went to bed and she said no. But she called me at 8:48 the night before and they had just come home from the grocery store. And they had dinner after the went to the grocery store. She asked if I was angry with her, and I said no, I was just curious. It’s a cardinal rule that you don’t use your children to spy on your ex, and I don’t. But I needed to understand why my son had a two hour nervous breakdown.

I didn't feel better until we got into bed for story time. I had ordered books for my daughter from school and she got them yesterday--all of the Magic Schoolbus books and the first two Lemony Snicket books, as well as a picture book called Kiss Goodnight which is very beautiful and only cost 95 cents. I love books and just holding them and settling down to read to my kids eased a lot of the tension I and my son were feeling.

So, this evening when I don’t have them, I am going to get a lot of the decorating done. I know my daughter will be disappointed that she couldn’t participate with me, but my son is still too young and we will just have to wait at least another year.

I don’t have time to spend hour after hour grappling with my son while trying to get some Christmas lights up.

I listened to a story on NPR on All Things Considered about working mothers last night and I thought my head would explode. It was an interview of a group of college educated executive women in Manhattan who grappled with the choice between working outside of the home versus full time mother. What.The.Fuck about the millions of women who have no choice, who have to work. I guess, since they have no choice, there’s no story. It’s only these supremely privileged micro-minority of women who are of interest to National Public Radio. I am sending them a pissed off e-mail this afternoon.

Strom Thurmond turns 100 today. I listened to a report on his birthday and political career this morning on the radio and all I could think of was the unspeakable evil he has committed throughout his career. NPR (again) seems to think that his racist legacy is mitigated by the fact that he has “black staffers.” The two words I have for Strom are not Happy Birthday, but Die Already. It's too bad the United States doesn't have a Truth and Reconciliation Committee like South African has. Then he could be brought before it to explain his hateful segregationist stances and his decades of racist rhetoric.

The excursion to Los Angeles temporarily delayed my continuing exploration of African American poetry (as I didn't want to risk leaving a library book in a hotel room), but I am continuing to read and discover.

Foggy Morning by Al Young

Disappearing around the corner
in his nylon red jacket with
the hood slipping from his hair
just brushed, my son trailing
gladness through clouds on the ground
waving to me that he can see the
yellow bus waiting for him up
ahead. Clutching his book, waving,
waving, with nothing but life.
I stand on the porch waving back,
a lump in my throat from moving
through the fog of my years that
sunshine is destined to dissolve.



This or That Tuesday

1. Go out and buy gifts, or shop online/mail order?

Both. I just ordered a bunch of gifts (books) for myself* from amazon.com. I ordered toys online for my daughter 3 years ago, but I have not since then. There are better deals in the stores and I get to mull over the purchases before I buy.

*I used to be so disappointed when my ex left me empty handed year after year, so when I divorced him, I promised myself that I would treat myself right during Christmas. It has usually meant buying books I’ve been lusting after all year, but it also meant a long-promised Kitchen Aid mixer and a Cuisinart ice cream maker.

2. Gift cards/certificates or pick out gifts?

Pick out gifts. Gift certificates benefit the stores because they have such a low redemption rate. Keep that in mind when you are buying one–make sure the recipient will actually use the certificate or else just give cash. Everyone uses cash.

3. Pay cash or charge holiday gifts?

Pay cash. My job has a compensation scheme where we get an extra 7% of our salary to be paid however we wish. I always have a portion of it paid to me around Thanksgiving to pay for Christmas presents and the tree.

4. Are most of your gifts mailed or given in person?

Given in person. My immediate family members all live within 35 miles of my house.

5. Are you an early-bird or last-minute holiday shopper?

Middle of the road. Some early stuff, like flannel sheets for my mother and step-father, which I bought in August. And I am definitely not in the stores on December 24.

6. If you shop in stores...big chain stores or smaller specialty stores?

Chain stores, mostly, as much as I hate to admit it. Hmm...I could work to change this.

7. Wrap gifts yourself or have them wrapped at the store or mall?

Wrap myself. It’s fun and relaxing.

8. Shopping on *Black Friday* (day after Thanksgiving)...did you or didn't you?

Hell no. It’s too crazy and this year I was on the road, flying home from Los Angeles with my kids. I indulged in that kind of sale shopping once, and picked up a 19 inch TV for $79 and a DVD player for $49, but it really made me feel crazy. So no more. Plus, I believe in observing it as “Buy Nothing Day.”

9. Is your holiday gift list large or small?

Small. My children, myself, my mother and stepfather, my two nieces and one nephew, and my siblings if I see something good they will like/use. My siblings are all professionals and grown ups and they don’t expect anything.

10. Is it better to give or to receive?

It’s better to do neither and to just give the gift of kindness all through the year.

Back to work.

The key is to take time off, to get out of the routine. In that spirit, I’m going to Las Vegas next week for a couple of days with my sisters, no kids. I’ve never been.

I feel serene today, helped along by washing the dishes this morning and my little dude waking up in a superb mood. And my late meeting was canceled this evening–thank ya Jeebus.

I’m making excellent progress on my quilt. I have been so inspired by Denyse Schmidt’s website. Her prices are utterly ridiculous, but I am very tempted to spend $12 on a bag of scraps, just to see what fabric she uses.

I woke up at midnight last night and was worried about returning to work. The house smelled wonderful from the Sunday dinner I made–chicken pieces roasted with scallion butter under the skin and basted with soy sauce-rice-wine-honey, zucchini sauteed in olive oil with onions and stewed tomatoes, and Japanese steamed rice. I stared into space for a while, my mind racing on the demands waiting for me. Then I put on a reading of Anil’s Ghost by Michael Ondaatje and fell asleep.

Later..

I had to make a phone call to an opposing counsel who is really hostile and mean. I've been procrastinating for several days and he's been sending me incredibly mean letters. I finally called him and he wanted to jump all over me, but I was so apologetic and humble and timid that he eased off pretty quickly. I'd like to thank the Academy and my agent and my manager. Oh, and the Lord, of course. I am so relieved to have dealt with him. See what a difference a vacation makes?

My uncle, my father's oldest brother, died of AIDS ten years ago. He had been involved with a woman who was an intravenous drug user and a prostitute and contracted the virus that way. I didn't know him very well because he had spent a lot of time in prison in Louisiana, but I remember him as an earthy, emotional man (unlike my father). He lived with my grandmother in California near the end of both of their lives and they sort of took care of each other.