small hands

The sun is shining today, although there are some big fat fluffy greyish clouds in the sky. I got out of bed and walked to my son’s room and looked out the window to the sidewalk. I like seeing the garbage men working. The sun put me in a good mood, after all the rain yesterday and the day before. The weather forecast is for more rain this weekend. It’s tempting to take a vacation day during the week in order to work in my garden while it’s not raining. But I won’t.

I started reading Muddy Waters’ biography Cant Be Satisfied. It’s excellent so far.

Last night I went to a board meeting for a non-profit children and family services agency. I was dreading this meeting, because I volunteered to draft this year’s fund raising letter and I was late getting it back to them. And I had brain lock. It’s not easy asking for money when one is not used to it. But the people are amazingly kind and not the least bit put out by my delinquency. The meeting was very enjoyable and I always fall in love with the organization and wish I could work there. They don’t need a lawyer, though. *Smile*

10 Uses for Vinegar (from the Country Living Home Almanac by John Gates)

1. Spray full strength to kill weeds and unwanted grass on walks and driveways.

2. Apply a solution in equal parts vinegar and water around doors, baseboards, applicances, and cupboards to repel ants.

3. Deodorize a sink or shower drain by pouring a cup of vinegar down it. Let it stand for half and hour, then flush the drain thoroughly with water. To unclog a drain, put in a hadnful of baking soda followed by 1/2 cup vinegar, then rinse with hot water.

4. Clean cutting board with full-strength vinegar.

5. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to hot, soapy water to cut grease on pots and pans; use it undiluted to clean deposits in your coffeemaker.

6. Remove stains in pots by boiling a solution of 3 tablespoons vinegar to 1 pint of water.

7. Soak bolts and full-strength vinegar to dissolve rust.

8. To freshen the washing machine, pour a cup of vinegar into the clothes basin and run through a regular cycle (without clothes) to dissolve the detergent residue.

9. Remove decals by brushing with vinegar.

10. To freshen cut flowers, put them in a solution of 1 quart water to 2 tablespoons vinegar and 1 teaspoon sugar.




All you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted
Every boy and every girl
Stand up!

–Sting


I love your blog, one of the first I started reading, because it is beautifully designed and written, because you have great wisdom, because your love of your daughter and your new husband is beautiful and encouraging.

I love reading your blog because I can’t believe anyone has the cooking stamina you do, and reading your blog inspires me to get my butt back into the kitchen and try more recipes. And you’re a wonderful writer.

I love your blog because your spirit shines through, because reading your blog makes me feel serene, and you and your husband are the picture of love and togetherness.

I love your blog because you are poised and awesome and truthful and inspiring and I am freaking (in a good way) that you now live in Oakland.

I love your blog because it gives me a sense of what it’s like to live in your part of the world.

I love your blog because you update it regularly, giving me my daily(ish) fix.

I love your blog because it makes me wish I was a gay man (kinda, in an Orlando sort of way, where I could go back to being a woman).

This is my mom, holding me, in 1965.

Yesterday evening sucked. It sucked because I sucked. I got my kids and brought them home. The most stressful/exhausted part of the day is after I’ve picked my daughter up from school and we head home. There is something so mentally taxing about getting her in the car and getting back on the freeway to face the most hellacious traffic and hearing my two kids yak at each other and grappling with the big question of what I am going to cook for dinner. I noticed that my daughter is always in a complaining/dissatisfied mood when we are going home. She either wants a snack, but not the one I’ve gotten her, she wants to go out to a restaurant to eat, she wants to get a video. It’s always pushing and demanding.

So, in a very calm and quiet voice yesterday, I called her on it. It was prompted by her complaining that she didn’t want M&Ms, she wanted something else. What.The.Fuck?. I said that she is very hard to please, that she complains a lot. Of course, this stopped her in her tracks. I said I work very hard to give her a good life. I said that she needed to enjoy her life more, and appreciate it more, rather than focusing on what she didn’t have, complaining all the time, and looking to the next thing, rather than what she has. Then I said that when I was a kid, I didn’t have all of the things that she does, like her own room and fun vacations, but now that I am an adult, I can give her these things. She started to cry and then wanted to talk about just how hard my childhood was.

I used the old–when I was your age, I walked four miles to school in fifty feet of snow. It wasn’t intentional. But I am sick of her complaining. I refuse to raise a prima dona who is just going to exhaust and deplete me.

Ingratitude! thou marble-hearted fiend,
More hideous, when thou show’st thee in a child,
Than the sea- monster!

Shakespeare.—King Lear, Act I. Scene 4.

We got home and I started cooking dinner–spaghetti, which I don’t like very much and am tired of eating. While it was on the stove, I went to get reading materials to complete my girl's late homework. I got preoccupied with getting her started and forgot about the food on the stove. So it burned. Making the house smell terrible. Rendering it inedible. Oh well. Julia Child said never apologize for a bad meal. Just throw it out and move on. This was a bad evening. There will be others, to make up for this one.

This or That

Which is more comforting for you...
1. Lying down on the couch, or stretching out on a recliner? Lying down on the couch
2. Going barefoot or wearing soft slippers? Barefoot, except when I’m cooking.
3. Eating ice cream, or pizza? Ice cream.
4. Watching on TV...a classic movie or a reality show? Classic movie. Reality shows make me feel suicidal.
5. Wearing: blue jeans or sweat pants? Sweat pants.
6. A long, soothing bubble bath or a quick, invigorating shower? Long, soothing bubble bath. Thanks to Kevin mentioning these products in his blog, I ordered some bath salts from Carol’s Daughter.
7. Furniture: leather, or something more on the fuzzy side? Fuzzy. Leather sticks to the skin, even if it is pretty.
8. Soft, classical music, or upbeat rock & roll? Classical music, but not soft.
9. Darkness or light? It depends. I don’t like dim light, it makes me anxious.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You get married, or otherwise begin cohabitating with a significant other. S/he moves into your place, but brings with them the UGLIEST chair you have ever seen! You really don't want this thing in your home, but SO says it is the most comfy chair s/he has ever sat in, and no way will they part with it. Do you: grin and bear it, or scheme to get rid of the montrosity somehow? I truly cannot answer this question. Marriage? Cohabiting? Ugly chairs?




snazzykat has started a love-in, brought to my attention by the most excellent bloggers, angela and tish. So I thought I would participate, in a little different spin. I’m not going to name names, although you know who you are.

I love your blog because it’s beautiful to look at and your writing is honest. I love the way you have opened my consciousness by sharing your inner and outer life.

I love your blog because it has educated me so much about jazz and you’re a wonderful baker and a truly sweet person.

I love your blog because you’re a passionate mother and wife and gardener.

I love your blog because you’re so incredibly smart and snappy and witty and when you do update (not often enough *cough, cough*) you write and write and write and tell all.

I love your blog because it’s beautiful in a minimalist kind of way, and you don’t tell all, but what you write about is heartfelt and it’s just enough of a glimpse. I let my imagination fill in the blanks.

I love your blog because you’re a fucking blogging genius. I wonder if you have a happy life and I want so much for it to be so. I hope the universe sends you want you desire, if you don’t have it already.

I love your blog because you change it all the time, and each incarnation is more gorgeous and creative than the last. And you tell all, about being a mommy and wifey and living in your skin. And I am so going to come and see you in New York.

I love your blog because you have an amazing sense of humor, you’re very generous with your inner life and you make excellent sex toy recommendations.

I love your blog because you’re fabulous and beautiful and you need to hook a sistah up with a Coach bag–black and silver Hamptons please.

To be continued...

Whew. I got to work in one piece. Thank ya jeebus.

This was a long, satisfying weekend.

Friday night I took the kids to A and B’s house, for a potluck-dinner-end-of-the-week-chill-with-other-mamas-and-papas. It was very cool, as always.

Saturday, my kids went to their father’s house and I ran errands and worked in the yard. I cut the front and back lawns, weeded (death to wild onions), planted grass seed in some bare spots, fertilized the roses, and gave them some mulch. Somewhere along the way I overdid it, according to my back.

I saw a possum in my back yard and when I looked at it more closely, I saw it had a baby on its back. Thought process: Oh Jesus, there's a big rat in my yard. Yuck, look at that tail. Hey, that's not a rat, that's a possum. What is it looking for? This is what I get for having a creek in my back yard. What's with its weird body shape? Does it have rabies? Hey, that's a baby on its back. It's a mama. How cute. Thank goodness it's going back to the creek.

I cleaned myself up and went to my older sister’s house for an early dinner, in honor of our step-brother, who is on leave from the Marines, stationed in Korea. He’s been gone for two years and he’s changed a lot. He’s become a wonderful, mature person. I’ve only known him as an enigmatic step sibling, and it was a real treat to spend time with him. And he's interested in going to law school.

We also got to meet my younger sister’s new boyfriend. He’s very nice, although she had warned him that my sister and I were going to be hard on him, so he was a bit cautious. Then she had to leave, because she works on Sunday and gets up at 4:15AM to work out first. Sigh.

Sunday morning I got up to meet FIRE for breakfast. I drove down the driveway and into the street before I realized that my front right tire was completely flat. Shit. This is the third flat I’ve had in three months. Its probably due to the construction going on at my girl’s school, since they keep taking big ass construction nails out of the flat tires. I drove back up the driveway and went into the house to call FIRE. He came out and showed me how to change the tire. I didn’t even know where the spare was until he showed me. His competency and his patient explanations were/are very sexy. While he worked on the tire, I made us breakfast–scrambled eggs, homefries, bagels, coffee for me, tea for him, and cranberry juice.

After breakfast, he took me out to the deep suburbs to see his new house. This was a good opportunity to talk. I am realizing that I am an information junkie, especially as it relates to finding out about someone I’m involved with. Since I am feeling wary about forming an emotional entanglement, I need information. The paradox is that getting more information fosters a deeper emotional entanglement. And I must remember not to cross-examine.

The house very spacious. I must buy him a housewarming present. This is what he wants, a Maxfield Parrish print:



I congratulated him on his new home. Unfortunately, the previous owner was a heavy smoker, so the master bedroom reeks of smoke. I have to figure out a way to help him get rid of that smell.

We hung out for the afternoon and then he dropped me off at home, just as the rain started. I had to take some Motrin for my back and then chilled, waiting for my sweet babies to come home.

They got home at 8:30PM and their father told me that my girl had gotten all of her homework done. This was a relief. However, when I checked it this morning before school, I saw that this information was, as I suspected, too good to be true. She finished about 45% of her homework, much to my chagrin. So, not only will she be late turning it in, but we have to work on it tonight and I have to be the one cracking the whip for her to get it done.

Yay for the plants and lawns, it rained all night, very heavily. I got up this morning and listened to a news story about the folks in Fresno, in the central valley of California, who only have to pay $14 a month for unlimited water, because they don’t have water meters and refuse to get them. As a result, they have their automatic sprinklers on when it rains, the water just flowing down the street and into the storm drain, wasted, utterly wasted. Fuckers.

So I drove to work on my spare, terrified the whole way that the damn tire would come off, because the good people at Goodyear Tire stripped two lugs (out of five) on the wheel. FIRE told me this as he was trying to get the lug nuts back on. So I told the guys at Goodyear, who probably did the lug stripping two weeks ago when they serviced my brakes, acting like I knew this stuff. FIRE thinks that people who obviously don’t know anything about automotive matters sometimes get less than stellar service.

Whereas I am self-sufficient in most things, it’s nice to have his help too.

I did it. I made reservations for Kona. We're gonna stay at a condo on the beach for seven days in August. I and my girl are so excited. I feel the aloha already.

A questionnaire from Colleen.

1. what facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: Eyes, eyes, eyes. Then teeth and lips.
2. would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: Hell yes, as long as she is not a Republican.
3. would you marry for money?: No, babe.
4. have you had braces?: yes
5. do you pluck your eyebrows?: No, because I am a chicken
6. do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: by accident? Yes. As a kid, my knees were a crime scene. on purpose? never.
7. when was the last time you had a hickey?: It’s time for a new one, I think. It’s been a while.
8. could you live without a computer?: Sure, but I wouldn't like to.
9. do you use icq, aol buddy list, etc.?: not so much right now
10. if so, how many people are on your lists?: who knows, I hate this question.
11. if you could live in any past time period, which would it be? None. I wouldn’t want to live without civil rights, indoor plumbing, antibiotics, clean water, feminism, and Target.
12. do you drink enough water?: I am doing so much better. I have a 24 ounce bottle in front of me at all times, and I make myself drink two bottles of water before I leave the office every day.
13. do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: Take them off, although I like to have my Nike clogs on when I’m cooking.
14. what is your favorite fruit?: strawberries, grapes, blackberries
15. do you eat wheat bread or white?: Wheat
16. what is your favorite place to visit?: Florence, Italy, so far. But I’m taking my first trip to NYC in June and Kona, Hawaii in August.
17. what is the last movie you saw?: Drumline
18. do you kiss on the first date?: Yes, if I am attracted to the date. If the person is a bad kisser, he is probably lame in bed.
19. are you photogenic?: Absolutely not.
20. do you dream in color or black and white?: Color.
21. are you wearing fingernail polish? I am not
22. is it chipped or fresh?: it is neither
23. do you have any dimples?: In my left cheek.
24. do you remember being born?: Of course not, and anyone who says she does has an active imagination
25. why do you take surveys?: Because they’re informative.
26. do you drink alcohol? Champagne
27. did you like or do you like high school? I loathed every minute of it.
28. what is the most beautiful language?: Love
29. when you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: Not if I have morning breath. .
30. do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: Sunsets make me verklempt.
31. do you want to live to be 100?: Not if I outlived my children, if I was a burden/couldn’t care for myself, or if there was a lot of pain
32. do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: Expect? Of course not. There should be no rules on how a woman uses her body
33. do you like salty food or sugary food the most?: Sugary
34. is a flat stomach important to you?: No, I like meat on folks
35. do you or have you played with a ouija board?: No
36. are you loyal?: Yes, but I will end a relationship that isn't working.
37. are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?: Not of Republicanism and everything it stands for
38. when you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: On
39. do you believe in magic?: Nope.
40. do you have nightmares frequently?: No, thank goodness.
41. do you like your nose?: I do
42. do you like abstract art?: Some of it. Jackson Pollack and Willem De Kooning, especially
43. do you think you can draw well?: Not at all
44. do you listen to music daily?: Yes, thank goodness
45. do you like to watch cartoons?: I am presently obsessed with Spongebob Squarepants.
46. at what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: I never believed in him
47. how many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: 20-40, 95% black
48. do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: Variety, as long as they’re black.
49. do you write poetry?: No
50. do you snore?: Yep
51. do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: Side. Whichever way I can, when my kids are with me.
52. would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: Neither. My girl got bit on the thigh by a Tibetan terrier and I am very angry about it.
53. do you lick stamps? NEVER. I have a envelope moistener and self-adhesive stamps.
54. do you use an electric can opener?: Yes. I got my first about 3 years ago and I am very happy with it.
55. have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: Not gonna happen, babe. I’m a mother.
56. which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: Come here and I’ll show you.
57. do you think balding men should shave their heads?: I believe in balding with dignity, which doesn’t encompass the comb over.
58. do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: Yes
59. do you prefer a piano or a violin?: piano
61. do you know someone who has cancer?: She had cancer, had a lumpectomy and chemo and radiation and doesn’t have cancer any more.
64. do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: I like good food. I’ll take it from wherever.
65. would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: Art Institute of Chicago
66. how many phones do you have in your house?: One, which is one too many
67. how long is your hair?: Shoulder length.
68. do you get along with your parents?: On the surface, yes. We all mind our manners. I love them, but I don't let them push me around any more.
69. what color of eyes do you prefer?: For whom?
70. what medications do you take? None
71. what does your bedroom look like? Like this.

Friday Five


1. What was the last TV show you watched?

ER last night, after not watching for a long time. (I get very sleepy before 10PM.) I’m confused about some stuff. Did Pratt and Chen get it on? Obviously, Pratt is about to leave. How did Luka get around the drunk driving car crash episode? What happened to the medical student he was supposed to be shtupping, but wasn’t? Did she die? Why does Abby have to do everything in the ER? Is Romano gonna have to get the arm amputated? Why is Corday angry at Romano, other than his general obnoxiousness?

2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem?

Complained, complained. Let’s see. Complained. I am not much of a complainer. I’m more passive aggressive, so that I will just stop patronizing a place where I have an unpleasant experience. I am not a “Let me speak to your manager” kind of person.

I think I complained to my son when he woke up at 4AM and wanted a drink, then wanted to go to the bathroom, then wanted me to find his bunny. I told him I wanted to get some sleep, that it wasn’t morning yet. And I think I may have whined a bit.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?

I told my girl that she did a good job, helping me take care of her brother.

4. What was the last thing you threw away?

An old chicken carcass. You know, I’m the only household on my short little block who puts my recycling bins out? I was just noticing this because the recycling truck skipped over my bin. They were probably going down the street and didn’t see any others and so overlooked mine. I remember seeing bus stop bench signs admonishing Oaklanders to recycle more and I thought it was unnecessary. Now, I’m just ashamed of my neighbors.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?

This one.

It rained and rained, so I decided not to take my children to the A’s game. I dropped them off at school and the babysitter and went to work, instead. I was tempted to go home and sleep and watch movies, but I don’t really need a day off, so I decided to save my annual leave until later.

Last night was great. I brought the kids home and cooked while they watched Drumline. I went to the back yard and cut Italian parsley from my herb garden. I chopped it and put it under the skin of the chicken with garlic, salt and pepper, and then roasted the butterflied chicken for 30 minutes at 500 degrees. While it was cooking I made mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. After 30 minutes I took the chicken out of the oven, removed it from the pan, and made gravy in the roasting pan. That was easy–brown 2 tablespoons of flour in the chicken drippings, then add chicken stock and a little salt and pepper and let thicken.

My daughter and I loved it. My son wailed for chicken nuggets, so I stuck some in the oven for him. While they were cooking, he ate a lot of mashed potatoes and gravy (a first for him). After dinner, I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, which was very relaxing. Then I put the kids in the tub (my daughter had participated in soccer in the afternoon, so I didn’t listen to her protestations about taking a bath).

Then we watched American Masters about blues singer Muddy Waters. It was powerful. The children were entranced and let me watch all of it. Then we got into bed and I read them a chapter from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

This morning we watched more of Drumline. I am not sure that they should be hearing some of the swearing and the references to making love, but they want to be in a marching band now.

I did not attend a historically black college and I wonder what experience my biracial kids would have at one, after being raised in the Bay Area their whole lives. They asked me what one of the guys was saying when he referred to the women as “shorties.” They also wanted to know why one of the guys in the band told the female bandmate with cornrows that she needed to get a straightening comb. Obviously, the explanation of that statement is more complex than a 3 and 7 year old can handle. One thing I don’t like in general in the African American community is the obsession with skin color. And I know it is more concentrated at black colleges, especially in the fraternities and sororities, which [in my experience at Berkeley and my cousins' experiences at Southern University, Florida A & M, Alcorn State University, UCLA, Tuskegee, Grambling and Cal State Hayward] are segregated according to skin color. So, I would prefer for my children not to be exposed to that value system, which I think it divisive and retrograde.

On the other hand, I really liked that they were seeing African Americans on the screen, in complex and nuanced roles.

I spent all day yesterday in San Francisco, at a mediation and shopping for shoes at Nordstrom. I didn’t get out of the mediation until 7PM, so I think I’m entitled to some footwear after working hard for The Man.

Tomorrow is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day. I remember when I worked at a private firm in San Francisco, TODSTW day was very interesting, to see otherwise very one-dimensional people bring these vibrant young people into the office. It gave the employees greater cachet in my mind, since they at least had some part in creating these offspring.

My kids have been to my office several times. The problem is that when they’re visiting I get no work done and my girl wants to play Cheese Chase on cartoonnetwork.com on my computer and my boy wants to run up and down the halls.

I was planning on taking my children to an A’s game, but it might be raining. I don’t know, the weather looks fine now, although it’s a bit windy and overcast. Decisions, decisions.

Talk about an Easter hangover. It’s not just the overdose on sugar, which was acute. Too much food, too much candy, too many pastels, too much family.

This morning, my girl was convinced that she had a two week Easter break. Convinced. I told her we would drive to the school and if she was right, she would go to work with me. We were late, late getting out the door and when she saw that school was in fact up and running, she started to cry. I wiped her tears, handed her her backpack and walked her up the stairs. I wanted to explore why she didn’t want to go back to school, but there was no time.

My boy was in a terrific mood.

Easter was nice, mostly. My mother prepared an ENORMOUS brunch. It had everything–eggs, potatoes, two kinds of sausage, ham, fresh strawberries, sticky buns, coffee cake, champagne and orange juice, Valrohna chocolate bread pudding, fruit salad, cheese cake, brie and pate with sour dough bread, asparagus, coffee.

The kids had an Easter egg hunt in the back yard. My kids had a great time.

We didn’t go to church, which was an enormous relief to me. I just can’t stand it any more. It drives me crazy to have to sit in church with two restless kids, and hear the snide remarks of the priests about those of us making our once-yearly appearance. It’s such a chore that when I decided not to go, I felt a surge of elation.

Sitting on the couch eating brunch, my brother asked me if I had a boyfriend. Actually, he said I hear you have a boyfriend. He has some knowledge of this because I mentioned FIRE to my mother and younger sister. I had just been thinking of FIRE when he asked. I acknowledged that I am seeing someone. He asked if I had introduced him to my kids. I said no. He agreed with the decision not to. He said at first he disagreed with my decision to divorce, but now he understands. Not because he now recognizes that my ex is a jackass, but because one must do what one needs to be happy.

This conversation got me down. I didn’t want to have to go into divorce-land during Easter brunch. Plus, extended family time is taxing.

I took the kids home when they were ready and washed and folded some clothes to get some peace of mind back. It was not easy. And I discovered my ATM card in the dryer, underneath a thoroughly dry load of towels. Not good.

Saturday we went up to Santa Rosa (120 miles round trip) for a birthday party for D.’s kids. My son started crying in despair in Petaluma, believing we would never get to the party. Since I didn’t know exactly where were going, I started to despair as well. We finally arrived and he got a party bag and felt better immediately. One of the activities at the party was tee ball. My son gave it a try and loved it, so we spent a lot of the afternoon with him hitting and me fielding. I had fun running around. I had a flashback to the organized softball of my youth. D. made a Dora the Explorer cake for her daughter and a Jimmy Neutron cake for her son.

When we got home from the party, we hung out in the back yard. I sat on the chaise longue and read Essence magazine. I read it and thought: (1) It’s great to see these beautiful, multi-hued women of African descent, (2) Gosh there are a lot of ads for makeup, (3) Hey, that’s a cute hair cut, (4) These are really cute clothes, but too expensive, (4) I’m going to have to try that recipe, (5) Why are these articles so cliched? I understand they have appeal to a wide range of people, but it’s always about the same thing, (6) I don’t think I would ever want to go on an Essence cruise, (7) Oh great, there’s finally an article that says that spanking kids is not a good idea.

FIRE and I had a disagreement on Friday afternoon and then saw each other that evening and made up. It’s very hard for me to have the courage to put myself in a situation where my emotions get moved around by someone else. To even think of myself as being in a relationship–my mind immediately hits the reject button. I like being with him. A lot. But I don’t want to interrupt the work I am doing on my own life, including the understanding that it’s okay not be in a relationship, by getting swept up in all of the emotion of being in love. And being in love is so hackneyed and coopted by popular culture to the lowest common denominator. It’s such a private thing, and it happens in such an organic level. And leave it to me to try to intellectualize my way through it, to avoid emotional pain. Don’t mind me, I’m just tripping.

I had a hearing this morning, which I thought was going to be a big deal. I brought two big shot witnesses and everything. The judge wasn’t even interested in hearing my oral argument, let alone witness testimony. The disappointing part was that he seemed to lack an understanding of even the fundamentals of employment law. I have to write a supplemental brief. Eh. Whatevah. Now I am cruising and it feels like the weekend already. D. came to my hearing and we got coffee afterward. She made these AWESOME strawberry cake bunnies for the office and eating one made my morning.

Last night my kids and I got home early. I had no energy to cook dinner, but I did anyway. My girl had been exercising hard all day and was starving. I remember asking my mother a million times when dinner was going to be ready. My boy was fussing downstairs and then he came into the bedroom where I was vacuuming and settled down and watched a little bit of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. He wanted to know why the ladies were fighting. I told him that they were fierce warriors and that’s what they did. He wanted to know if they were good guys or bad guys. I said they were good.

I’ve been feeling very harried. I really had to race to court today, pushing The Mothership up to 85. And there’s just been a lot to do, arranging child care because of my girl’s Spring Break, taking care of the kids and the house. And this whole month is really busy at work. My life is usually very busy, but it’s getting to me right now. So I am working on my family vacation plans. This is what I have so far:

Mid-August
The big island of Hawaii
Six days
Fly into Kona
See the volcanos
Sit on the beach
Get a rental car
Try to stay cool

Any suggestions?

Even on the weekends, where the plan is to recharge, it’s not long enough. I am going to start taking Fridays off, so I can have longer weekends.

Next week, I’m taking the kids to their first A’s game. I am very excited about that. Let's go Oakland.

On the insomnia front, it was pretty good last night, not waking up until 4:30AM. I think it’s because I drank a lot of water throughout the day. The night before I woke up at 3AM and watched some of Momento. I’ve seen it before, but I couldn’t remember the punch line, and it was hard to follow in the middle of the night. So I turned it off and went back to sleep.

Some lawn information from the Washington Post

Healthy turf, essential for reducing applications of pesticides and fertilizers, remains a responsibility too of the homeowner. Good cultural practices include aerating in high traffic areas, mowing properly, (with a sharp blade and a cutting height of 2½ to 31/2 inches), watering efficiently (deeply, infrequently and in the morning) and leaving grass clippings on the lawn.

I started reading Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides last night (having picked it up before he won the Pulitzer). So far, so good. It was nice to sit in front of the heater and read, then get in bed with my happy kids and read to them and go to sleep.

My girl is on Spring Break. She begged me to let her go to a two-day workshop to make something called bunny burrows, offered at the home of the art teacher from her school. I was skeptical, mostly because it was kinda expensive. But...I’m a freakin’ pushover. My mother dropped her off yesterday morning, because it started at 10AM and I had to get to work. I picked her up yesterday afternoon and it was a revelation.

The teacher’s home was...amazing. She has 6 cats now, she used to have 11. So when we walked in, I was thinking...uh huh...lots of cats live here. Her house, a bungalow in the Glenview District of Oakland (a neighborhood in which we would all give our left arm to live), is cluttered. Cluttered up the wazoo. But a fantasy house for a 7 year old girl. It has seven dollhouses. And not just dollhouses, but extravagantly and artistically decorated dollhouses. Where the diningroom table should be is a dollhouse. Where the kitchen table should be is a dollhouse. When I arrived–a tiny bit late, having been held hostage at the brake repair shop–the teacher was just taking chocolate chip oatmeal bread out of the oven, which they had baked. They also had taken a serene Chow dog on a walk and had a grand time. My girl came home and ate two enormous plates of penne with ground beef and tomato sauce, sighing that she had a wonderful day and thanking me. She was covered with paint.

It was an insight into the life of a person for whom art and creativity are central. She obviously loves children and is the fantasy mother–the one who invites tons of kids to her house and has really cool activities for them once they get there. She also misplaced my check for the workshop (no wonder), so I have to send her another.


Women Children’s Book Illustrators is a great site. Thanks Josh.

Trina Schart Hyman is one of my favorite illustrators. From this site, I learned that she is a single mother. She’s a formidable person with very strong opinions on balancing mothering and work/art. I can't say that I agree with her, but then she was born in 1939 and had a very different life than I have.

I went to the rhododendron show and got some very useful information. It was pouring rain as I entered the Lakeside Garden club. There was a sale and show, and I went to the sale first. I walked through the aisles created by tables upon which were the most lush, gorgeous, healthy rhododendrons you can imagine. I spoke to a man with a name tag–Manuel–and showed him my gardening diary and asked him why my rhododendron has stopped blooming. It’s because I do not deadhead it, because I need to create a 1-4 inch perimeter between the mulch and the trunk of the plant, because rhododendrons at the nursery are given tons of fertilizers (which I haven’t continued to do) and because the clay soil of the Bay Area is not the proper medium for them to be planted in.

So I took notes and bought another rhododendron, a Bruce Bechtbill and spoke to a very nice man while I was purchasing it. He gave me two flyers and invited me to a meeting of the rhododendron society.

Can you imagine joining a club to talk about one species of plant?

He said that the societies throughout the nation are looking for new members, as people are working more and being diverted by other activities.

I took a peek at the show, but those are more useful if you are looking for ideas about what kinds of plants you want. I wanted expertise.

I can imagine joining a garden club. And I have joined the East Bay Rose Society, although I don’t go to any meetings. Go to a meeting to talk about roses? But when I think of garden clubs, I think of racist, exclusionary clubs in the South full of back biting white ladies.

And how geriatric the whole thing sounds, doesn’t it? No, I’ve decided that gardening is hip, like knitting.

The Girl and the Fig was not so good. Two problems.

One. The waitress spaced out and didn’t attend to us very promptly. This irritated me. She tried to make up for it, but sometimes it can set the tone for the meal. I started with a white bean puree soup with chicken stock, parsley infused oil drizzled and cheese croutons on top. Then I had the steak frites. The menu said it was a rib eye steak, but they brought a thicker cut that was not rib eye. The frites were overcooked and too salty, the steak was rather flavorless and too strongly tasting of the grill. The green beans were fine. For dessert, Julia and I split a dessert–ice cream profiteroles with chocolate sauce. They were good. Julia had the fig, baby greens, goat cheese and pecan salad and the halibut. She said it was just okay.

Two. My palate is dulled right now. I am lacking inspiration for cooking or tasting things right now. I don’t know why. I could never be a professional chef, because there are times when I’m not the least bit interested in dealing with food. I am looking forward to spring and summer fruits. I think they will clear my palate. Also, I think I’m getting spoiled by very good restaurants, so that kinda good restaurants are disappointing.

Sunday, after taking FIRE to the train station at 8AM (we had a late assignation–I didn’t get to sleep until almost 5AM), I made a pot of coffee, had a bagel and blackberry jam, and read the newspapers. My sister called, asking me to pick her up from the airport. She was returning from a cruise to Mexico. After I picked her up, I planted my new rhododendron, dug up all the old and spent tulip bulbs and generally took advantage of a break in the rain.

I tried to put some order to my financial records while watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I don’t like it as well as the first one. At first I thought it was because the actors are approximately four (crucial developmental) years older and it’s weird to see them so, when they’re only supposed to be one year older. Now I think it’s just not very imaginatively filmed and John Williams’ music is absolutely generic. I fell asleep at 6:30PM, waking up when my children rang the doorbell, returning home from their father’s house.

I woke up this morning and just didn’t feel like getting started on another work week. But once I made some coffee and put some clothes in the drier, and my boy came downstairs to find me for my morning snuggle, I got it in gear. We need a vacation.

On Thursday evening I went to my parents' (mom and stepdad) house to deliver a tape of last week's Six Feet Under and to have some dinner. First I went home and changed from my work clothes, gave the roses some epsom salts, clipped the blossoms that are on the bushes to fashion a small bouquet for my mother and grabbed the tape.

I was a little hesitant about bringing my mother the bouquet, because our relationship is complicated. But I thought about my girl and how she never hesitates to make even the smallest gesture to express love. So I decided to act by her example. My mother loved the roses and was very happy to receive them.

We ate rigatoni with Aidell's sausage and tomato cream sauce and they drank Two Buck Chuck. They explained to me that the wine is not bad, it's just so cheap because there is a glut of wine grapes in Napa and Sonoma counties. I can attest to that. Every square inch of land is planted with grapes. We talked about my job and they were very understanding.

Then I went home and watched Far From Heaven. Wow. It's very good and deeply sad. I really dig the lush visuals. I need to watch it again.

I woke up at 1:30AM and thought--fuck it. I put Party Girl in the VCR and watched it all. I know some folks are big fans of Parker Posey, but I didn't understand (having only seen her in Best in Show) until I watched Party Girl. It's hilarious and very well done.

Friday evening I got to hang out with my neighborhood mamas and papas and little ones and babies, babies everywhere at a potluck dinner. It was such a cool way to end the week, with relaxation, not having to cook dinner, and excellent company.

It's pouring rain this morning, which I hope will add to the snow pack. My boy woke up at 6:30AM and was ready to play with his toy motorcycle. C'est la vie. At least I could get the laundry started. After their father picks up my kids, I am going to check out a rhododendron show, run some errands, and then have dinner with my friend Julia. We're going to The Girl and the Fig which just opened up in Petaluma.

P E A C E

I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsom and jetsom in the river of life unable to influence the unfolding events which surround him. I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality.

I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of thermonuclear destruction. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger than evil triumphant.

I believe that even amid today's motor bursts and whining bullets, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow. I believe that wounded justice, lying prostrate on the blood-flowing streets of our nations, can be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men.

Martin Luther King

The flip side to Daylight Savings Time is that we were able to go home yesterday evening and hang out in the back yard, feeding epsom salt and watering the rose bushes. It was a lovely evening and the children were happy in the extended sunlight to search for insects and play with my son’s remote control car. After I was done watering, my girl asked to "make a rainbow" with the hose. That meant that five minutes later, she and her brother came into the house, soaked but satisfied.

My older sister came by with her daughter and delivered a birthday present: Far From Heaven on DVD. I haven’t seen it, but my sister loved it.

I still woke up at 1AM and couldn’t go back to sleep until 3AM. But my little dude, flailing wildly and hogging my side of the bed, remained asleep. This morning, on the way to work, he asked me “Did you have a good sleep mama?” I lied and said yes.

My girlfriend Shaolin mentioned that fresh flowers make the house smell good. I agree, with one caveat: roses from my yard make the house smell good. I am ecstatic about the Kronprincessin Viktoria blooms I recently cut which filled the entry hall with their perfume. However, the pretty ones from the store rarely have any scent.

I find this crowing about the “fall” of Baghdad quite appalling. Even the NPR reporters were patting themselves on the back yesterday for a reporting job well done. Luckily, there was an interview with a Marine on All Things Considered who stated that he took no joy in entering the city and seeing the suffering of the people.

I made the mistake of turning on the television yesterday morning and hearing Tom Brokaw declare that this was the beginning of the George W. Bush doctrine. Retch.

The message is: because the United States has superior/overwhelming military power, once it "defeats" its adversary, this means that the United States is right.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain = where is Saddam? Where are the weapons of mass destruction?

And the truth is that the United States is more successful at bringing overwhelming death and destruction than any other nation. And the United States is wealthy enough to take its death and destruction to any region of the globe. It can spend $75 billion in 30 days on war and not flinch.

I'm not digging this Daylight Savings Time.

On Monday night my boy woke up at 3AM and didn't go back to sleep until 4:30AM. So we hugged and kissed and got him a drink and took him to the bathroom. Finally, he fell asleep.

I woke up at 3AM this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep until 5:40AM. Then I wanted my boy and worried about him, whether he had woken up again, at his father's house, and wanted me.

I went to 99 Ranch Market yesterday and got 5 pounds of green beans. I am a little obsessed with them. I was wandering around the produce section and didn't see them. There was a stack of Chinese long beans where they usually are. I started to get a little upset (PMS anyone?), then I spied them. I took them home and made stir fried green beans with chicken and Japanese rice.

Borrowed from this lovely woman


[my name is] mama
[height] five seven
[in the morning i am] all business, herding two small folks and myself out into the cruel world. Maybe I should get a border collie.
[all i need is] my children to live long beautiful lives
[love is] the key to raising children
[if i could see one person right now] denzel my mom.
[i'm afraid of] anything bad happening to my children
[i dream about] getting together with my main sister friend from college–I really miss her
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[pictured your crush naked] nope
[actually seen your crush naked] nope.
[been in love] yes
[cried when someone died] yes.
[lied] yes
-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi] Diet Vanilla Coke
[flowers or candy] flowers
[tall or short] it depends
-W I T H . T H E . O P P O S I T E . S E X-
[what do you notice first] eyes, smile, quadraceps
[last person you slow danced with] my son
[worst question to ask] Where is your husband?
-W H O-
[makes you laugh the most] D.
[makes you smile] my kids
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them] FIRE
[who do you have a crush on] it’s a secret
[has a crush on you] FIRE
[easiest to talk to] my therapist
-D O . Y O U . E V E R-
[Stay on aim, waiting for someone special to IM] not anymore
[save AOL/aim conversations] before, but not anymore
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex] never. I would never want to have a penis attached to my body.
[cry because of someone saying something to you] It bums me out, but cry? Not at my advanced age
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend] probably
[been rejected] yep
[rejected someone] oh yes
[used someone] when I was young
[been cheated on by someone] sure
[cheated on someone] no comment
[done something you regret] I regret nothing
-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone] my secretary
[hugged] my little dude
[you instant messaged] Meka
[instant messaged you?] Meka
[you laughed with] FIRE
-D O . Y O U / / A R E . Y O U-
[color your hair] not yet, but it’s in my future
[habla espanol] I wish
[smoke cigarettes] nope
[obsessive] I wake up thinking about work, but only because there’s so much of it
[could you live without the computer] live? Yes. Work? No.
[how many peeps are on your buddylist] huh?
[what's your favorite food] chocolate, coffee, Thai, Vietnamese, Korean
[whats your favorite fruit] strawberries right now
[drink alcohol] very rarely, but on occasion I will have some champagne
[like watching sunrises or sunset] sunsets
[what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain] I had epidurals giving birth; I don’t take narcotics in response to emotional pain, so I guess emotional pain.
[trust others way too easily] nope

What do I do to make the house smell good?

I was very interested in what other people did once my ex moved out (taking his stinky athletic shoes with him). My friend Julia has an amazing smelling house, even when she had a litter box on the premises.

This is what I do, and I am open to suggestions. This is not for the fragrance allergic.

I start with removing offending smells, i.e., taking out the garbage, cleaning out the refrigerator, cleaning the bathrooms regularly.

1. Incense
I like all kinds, although I don't tend to buy ones called "Black Love" or "Calvin Klein Obsession." I burn them throughout the house, at various times of day, and especially when I am expecting company. They are very useful and effective in the bathroom.

2. Linen Spray
Bed, Bath and Beyond has some pretty cool sprays. The scent is pretty light. I use it about three times a week and it makes the whole room smell good.

3. Carpet Powders
I use these rather sparingly, because they are strongly scented, but they last for a while and make the room and the adjacent area smell good.

4. Plug In Scents
I have these in the bathrooms and the halls. I am rather fond of the Wizard Scented Oil ones right now.

5. Cleaning Products
I find that it's important to have a base of a clean house before adding good smells. I am digging the Mr. Clean Orange and I like the smell of the laundry room area when I add bleach to the wash. When I was in my third trimester with my girl, I craved the smell of Pine Sol.


I had another nightmare about someone breaking into the house.

I was standing at the front door when he broke in, because I was looking to see if the house next door was on fire. He ran in and I retreated upstairs and tried to lock him out. I thought that I would climb out of my bedroom window, then I paused because I wasn’t sure if my children were with me or not.

Then I woke up and saw that my kids were sleeping beside me in the bed.

I know that these nightmares are caused, in part by what’s going on across the street. A few years ago the man who lived in the house across the street got sick and went into a convalescent hospital. Prior to that time, he had suffered from dementia and collected cars and junk. The City of Oakland came and cleaned out the house and the yard and boarded the house. The plan was to demolish it. Instead the man’s relatives have shown up and seem to want to clean out the house. I imagine that they intend to rehabilitate it enough to sell it for a profit. The property needs professional attention. Unfortunately, the folks who are working on it are not professionals. They are a shady bunch, mostly men and one woman. They are using a U-Haul truck to move the garbage and debris out of the yard. When they need a break their beverage of choice is Miller High-Life. When they want to listen to music, their artist of choice is 50 Cent. They are getting louder and more boisterous and now have parked a mobile home directly across from my house.

They make me uneasy. Especially because I am gone all day. Especially when one of the guys takes off his shirt and ties in one his head when he’s working. It’s straight up Cool Hand Luke.

My girl asked me to take the newspapers outside yesterday. She said seeing the war pictures made her feel scared and she started to cry. Fuck.

Ahhh to be young and fabulous and spreading love. she works at victoria's secret...so I know her panties are lovely

I was so inspired by her post that I wanted to go out for a drink on Friday night. It was a long week, complete with a very tiring seven hour mediation on Thursday. I wanted to get a drink and eat some tapas, although I couldn't think of where to go in Oakland or Berkeley for tapas (now I know).

FIRE wanted to stay in and have a quieter evening, which was cool too. The weather has been chilly, blowing and rainy for the last few days. Perfect peach-cobbler-and-vanilla-ice-cream-under-the-blankets weather.

It's probably because I'm a luddite (to some degree), but I think it's so cool to burn a CD to play when anticipating a special evening. To create the soundtrack for a wonderful slice of one's life.

Today, my kids came home and we took a stroll on Solano Avenue, got a small cup of Peets, picked up some bagels, then came home and worked in the yard. My father stopped by to deliver my birthday present and helped me move a rose bush in a wine half barrel. He also wanted to check and see how I am doing. I assured him that I am doing quite well.

I thought I might take work home yesterday. Then I reminded myself that I am entitled to a break and the work will be there waiting for me on Monday.

Bagels tomorrow morning, plenty of half and half, genius coffee thanks to my fabuous house guest, the Sunday paper. This weekend is all about rejuvenation.



*****


FUCK this fucking war.

Friday Five:

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?

11

2. Which was your favorite and why?

The one I presently live in. It is roomy and comfortable and there is an excellent, stress free vibe going on. And it smells good.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?

Stressful. I don’t like change and changing house is a big one. It’s a good opportunity to get rid of a lot of stuff, but logistically, it’s always a bigger job than it starts out to be.

4. What's more important, location or price?

The house itself. Location and price are inextricably linked. I’ve never had a feeling that I’ve had to live in location X and it doesn’t matter what the price is. I’ve always felt that Oakland was a good deal–you could get a good house for a good price--because folks have all kinds of stereotypes about the location. That was in the past--now Oakland is getting a lot more expensive.

The deciding factor for me is the house itself. I don’t like new houses. I like older (60+ years old) houses. That means that I wouldn’t look somewhere like Hayward or Hercules or Pinole, because the houses are new(ish) there. The old houses are in Oakland, Vallejo and Sacramento.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?

My dream house has a squash court and a sauna, and a brilliant kitchen, a fire place in the master bathroom and acres of gardens.

The bottom line is that affirmative action benefits everyone.

This is what Harvard Law professor Lani Guinier and Susan Sturm write in their law review article on the topic, Rethinking the Process of Classification and Evaluation: The Future Of Affirmative Action: Reclaiming The Innovative Ideal (1996) 84 Calif. L. Rev. 953:

The approach we develop in this Article links affirmative action initiatives with the project of fundamentally rethinking how we define and practice genuine merit selection. We argue that affirmative action is an opportunity to take from the margin to rethink the whole. Affirmative action is not about exceptions to the norm; it is about the norm itself. Affirmative action, and the experience of those who have been previously excluded, provide a window on a much larger set of questions. These are the same questions that companies and educational institutions must face to meet the demands of an economy in transition: Can we define and predict ability to perform based on one-size-fits-all tests and criteria? How do we go about identifying the type of worker/student who will perform successfully under changing economic conditions? Is sameness fairness? Or must we reconsider the notion that in a complicated world there are simple and single solutions? How do we rethink the process and content of selection to better accommodate the demands of the twenty-first-century workplace?

It is time to ask a different set of questions about affirmative action, questions that address the most pressing problems facing not only people of color and women, but all of those who are unfairly excluded from participation in work and education. We need to go beyond the modest curative of affirmative action to examine more deeply our system of selecting and evaluating all workers and students. This approach to affirmative action can open up an inquiry into the adequacy and legitimacy of the one-size-fits-all approach to selection that prevails in many arenas. In this way, affirmative action provides a less reactive, more transformative critique that highlights the range of preferences implicit in conventional selection and prediction criteria.

Patterns of exclusion experienced primarily by women and people of color are, nevertheless, still important. They serve as signals. Patterns of race- and gender-based exclusion signal the possibility that bias or unfair advantage has operated in the ostensibly neutral selection process. They also signal the inadequacy of traditional methods of selection for everyone, and the need to rethink the process used to allocate opportunities to participate in work and school. In other words, patterns of exclusion provide a window on the methods for "inclusion." They are an important source of continuous critique of monolithic and monochromatic ranking and selection processes.

Rethinking our assumptions about selection is important to be able to pursue goals of racial and gender justice and fairness. Even more, it is crucial to our capacity to develop productive, fair, and efficient institutions that can meet the challenges of a rapidly changing, unstable, and increasingly complex marketplace. By using the experience of those on the margin to rethink the whole, we may forge a new, progressive vision of cross-racial collaboration, functional diversity, and genuinely democratic opportunity.

Since the law review article is 87 pages, I will not quote the rest.

Inspired by my girlfriend.

I benefitted from affirmative action. I got into college because of it. My mother doesn’t think so, but I do.

Because my parents went to college, I did not fit the criteria for EEOC at Berkeley, but because I was an African American female student at an inner city high school, I was admitted to Berkeley with okay grades, high-ish SAT scores, and a very interesting personal essay.

Lots of people of color don’t want to admit that they benefitted from affirmative action. They think it will stigmatize them and/or their intellect. And this silence helps those who are attacking affirmative action.

This debate about affirmative action is FUCKED UP.

I can’t even listen to the disappointed applicants to the University of Michigan Law School. The University of Michigan is one of the top five law schools in the country. Why should the applicants have expected to get in? What makes them assume that their place was taken by applicants who enhanced the diversity of the law school? Why don’t they assume their place was taken by people with better GPAs and better LSAT scores? And why is it assumed that those people didn’t also enhance the diversity of the school?

Justice O’Connor, seen as the swing vote in this case, asked: "How are we certain that there is an injury to your client that she wouldn't have experienced for other reasons?" How does she know that affirmative action is the reason she didn't get into one of the top law schools in the country?

The irony that someone like Clarence Thomas is sitting on the United States Supreme Court listening to the challenge to affirmative action is devastating. He benefitted from affirmative action and then spent his career either trying to dismantle it, or serving as a lackey for other people to point to in their efforts to dismantle it.

I read one blurb where the disappointed applicant stated that once she was denied admission into the University of Michigan, she lost all interest in a legal career. This is horse shit. What the fuck kind of lawyer does she think she’d make if one disappointment takes away her momentum? What the fuck example of perseverance is that? A legal career is full of disappointments. Big ones. One must be tenacious. I wouldn’t let her ass in my law school either.

People of color who are admitted to colleges and professional schools because of affirmative action are most likely to go back to their underserved communities to practice their professions.

This debate is too disgusting. The message is: It’s cool for African Americans to be admitted into our colleges as long as they can play sports. Otherwise we want them to compete on a “level playing field” coming out of bankrupt schools, taking culturally biased tests.

Given the legacy of racism in this country “level playing field” is a fiction.

I've decided to bring my archives back.

I took my boy to the dentist today. I was very nervous. He did very well. They even made a note on his chart about the fact that he was cooperative.

Thank you for the sweet birthday wishes.